Sex And The Country

11 Apr 2010

When R and I first met he insisted that I was the midwest’s equivalent to Carrie Bradshaw. While I found this idea flattering, if not humorous, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the episode in which she and Aidan go to his rustic cabin in the country and how she barely survived two days there. I thought to myself, oh yes, that would be me. Then I thought to myself, oh nooo!…I am falling in love with a farmer!  A real live F-A-R-M-E-R. Farmers live in the country surrounded by animals and well water.  I won’t even drink filtered tap water and I never leave the house in flat shoes. Ever.

Fast forward six years. I married him. We live in the Irish countryside and the closest thing to my former Sex and the City lifestyle is a walk-in wardrobe filled with the residual Mui-Muis and Manolos of days past. They seemingly have no use in these parts. Nope, nowadays life is more like an episode of “Sex and the Country”. Not saying it’s not fascinating…even entertaining, just “tis different”. Quite different indeed…

Life then: Sunday breakfast or a bagel and coffee at the perfect city café around the corner chatting away with friends followed by reading the beautiful New York Times newspaper and magazine.

Life now:  Sunday morning awake with fingers crossed that we have everything for me to make breaky in the fridge because the store is ages away and I can’t be bothered to drive it.  Followed by reading the news on nytimes.com followed by witnessing two cows getting it on in the pasture.

Yes, cows getting it on. Or “bonking” as an English friend calls it. With all the mating rituals I’m witnessing round’ here I think it is safe to say that there is definitely more sex in the country than sex in the city that I used to live in.  I have to admit, I just could not believe my eyes the first time I witnessed a cow mounting another cow. A bull just wanders around the pasture jumping on random heifers whenever the mood strikes him.  Very aggressive.  It just doesn’t look right. They’re too big for heaven’s sake! The act appears to be really clunky and awkward. Not sexy AT ALL. Plus, it looks like the girl cow is not happy. Plus, they are in the middle of a pasture and there’s no privacy…just not right. And it looks just as strange to me with all of the animals out here; sheep and horses too (yes, it is shockingly true what they say about horses.eeeewwwwww) Even our dogs seem to constantly be humping around with eachother and they are all males. Way too many country pheromones in the air for me to handle at times. Way too many indeed.

R is in charge of animal health and animal reproduction at the farm. He sees that the heifers hook up with the bulls and if that doesn’t work he works his A.I. magic.  A.I., or artificial insemination, is quite an interesting process to go through with cows.  Let’s just say that there is a 3-foot long glove which needs to be worn whilst doing the procedure.  And it’s not the cow wearing it. I’m sure now you’re wondering where the “inseminatory” fluid comes from to begin with, aren’t you? (yes, I made that word up because I don’t think you can say the S word on a blog or at least I’m not going to).  Well, I just happened to find out whilst watching a farming program on the telly the other night. Let me try to paint the picture…generally speaking, there is a very important man in County Meath who is an aficionado in this area and he goes in and intervenes and collects it just as the sire is mounting the cow. He uses an apparatus that he designed that so realistic that the bull doesn’t know the difference. Again, really TMI to watch.

I’m not sure why all this animal breeding business makes me feel so uncomfortable. What I do know for sure is that writing about it has made me feel the urge to immediately book a divine, girly city holiday as soon as possible.  {Ok sweetie?}

Coming up: I will be featuring a very different kind of Irish sexiness, Trish Deseine, the best-selling author who was born in Belfast, now living in Paris and whom has been dubbed “The Irish woman who is France’s Nigella.”

Slan Abhaile,

Imen

Photo courtesy of Easy Living

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15 Responses to “Sex And The Country”

  1. Paul Murphy says:

    Great post Imen.

    Reminds me of my late grandfather. He was a horse breeder and would shove a bunch of stinging nettles into the rear end of his mares to ‘bring them on’. I have no idea whether there was any scientific justification for this. But he swore by it.

    I also had a school friend whose father was involved in the cattle artificial insemination business. Friend proudly described his dad as a ‘Sperm Merchant’. That impressed us at school.

  2. Alain Arango says:

    Bahahahaha…..
    Your post made me laugh so much. I have always dreamed to fall in love and move to the country……..
    Your take is “real world”
    My take…..not so much.
    #good laughs

  3. [...] farmer. She now resides with her family in the Irish countryside where she’s more likely to sport Wellies than Manolos. But with her inherent sense of style and natural glamour, Imen has created a fashionably fabulous [...]

  4. niamh says:

    Oh. my. god. Great description – and so true. Cows, horses, dogs – how did we ever make sex well, so sexy?

  5. Lorna says:

    Hi, have you had to help at a birth as yet – that is when the fun really starts!!
    All the best, Lorna

    • imen says:

      Lorna, I have yet to witness a live birth on the farm..but will be soon…a little nervous though! Love your site and bought a lovely wooden puzzle for my son! Thanks for stoping by =)

  6. helen james says:

    Hahahah Really related to this post, x

  7. sonia says:

    that made me laugh. yes a very important man indeed.

  8. Do post a photo of your Miu Mius and Manolos as well as that lovely lady in her wellies!

  9. Simon says:

    You will like this video clip so http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8riyRSMxZU
    Great blog too! I’ve been here a few times before :)

  10. meredith says:

    Fabulous post girl!
    Okay, I SO want to hop the pond and come visit you now. I will simply never look at a pasture full of innocent looking cows the same way again.

  11. Kim Eis says:

    Great post Imen, I laughed out loud. I look forward to each and every one!

  12. Jillian says:

    I too have married a man who is only happy when he is outdoors and I can relate to the transition from city to country.

    We have vacillated between raw milk and fresh eggs to donuts and spam, can’t seem to get it right.

    Love your post and Ireland, as posted here, http://www.isdisnormal.com/2010/01/21/travel-memories/

  13. Fantastic post…!!!

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